Monday, November 30, 2009

Softcore Vampirnography: What I learned from "New Moon," the second installment of Twilight

My boss and I did a Twitter review of Twilight New Moon. This is my original draft before it was twitterified. I was also thinking of a list of alternate titles but got stuck in the rut of such detritus as Harry Potter, On Sex and Jerking It to This Movie Is Illegal But I Was Like Whatever. Enjoy.

  • Vampires and Werewolves are, for the most part, good and sexy. The bad ones are still sexy.
  • Twilight is not so much an exploration of young minds on the brink of adulthood as it is of young bodies on the brink of motion.
  • Bad acting can still make a good movie. But not that good.
  • Disposable income has nothing to do with 'good.'
  • HGH is sexy.
  • So is 'roid rage.
  • Fourteen-year-old girls can be the worst people in the universe when they don't shut off their phones during a movie.
  • Kissing is sexy, albeit giggle-worthy. Moaning is gross.
  • Becoming a vampire is a metaphor for losing one's virginity.
  • Shirts are optional.
  • School is also mostly optional.
  • Girls worry about getting old; boys worry about 'filling out;' everyone worries about vampires.
  • Werewolves run; vampires drive European sports cars.
  • If you want to—in the way of Dan Brown—make things seem a little more cultish, set them in Italy.
  • You can look hot and legal even if you were born in the '90s.
  • Even if you, like Taylor Lautner, were born in February 1992.
  • Dakota Fanning now appears to be older than 12, but not yet 15.
  • Vampires and teenage girls follow the same paradigm for vegetarianism (that is, not in a strict or reliable sense).
  • Hot girls like bad guys as long as they're not the bad guys.
  • Motorcycles are dangerous.
  • Driving European sports cars fast and recklessly is not.
  • Vaguely subversive subject matter is totally desirable so long as it's totally not that subversive.
  • It's not weird for a 23-year-old to play a 17-year-old nor a 108-year-old.
  • Nor is it weird to fall in love with one.
  • True love dies hard, no matter your age.
  • Age matters when it comes to your enjoyment of the movie.
  • There are way worse movies.
  • The same goes for Twilight's characters as the movie itself: The bad ones are still sexy.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Did I ingest Swine Today?

The answer is yes.
but it was only in jest,
because I'm really

Saturday, November 28, 2009

How do you top this?

Answer: You don't. Although many have tried throughout the years, I must give them credit.

Top 10 Gayest Album Covers

This explains A LOT regarding minister recreational activities

Aiiiiiii Papi.....

Prince really goes above and beyond, but yet I still don't feel as uncomfortable looking at these as I do with Adam Lambert's. I actually own the second Prince vinyl pictured and am damn proud to display it on the wall.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

In case of my sudden disappearance, you're really screwed.

After recently viewing the documentary The God Who Wasn't There (written, directed and narrated by Brian Flemming which is a mere 60 minutes long and I highly recommend), a critical website has been brought to my attention: Created by God fearin' bible thumper Scott Butcher, Rapture Letters offers the useful and unique service of sending out a standard e-mail to your loved ones after the rapture has come and you've disappeared without a trace... leaving behind all those silly atheists, jews, gays, muslims, hindus, pagans, masturbators, etc.
Here's how it works, as quoted from the home page:

"The rapture: When all the believers in Jesus Christ, who have been born again, are taken up to heaven.

After the rapture, there will be a lot of speculation as to why millions of people have just disappeared. Unfortunately, after the rapture, only non believers will be left to come up with answers. You probably have family and friends that you have witnessed to and they just won't listen. After the rapture they probably will, but who will tell them?

We have written a computer program to do just that. It will send an Electronic Message (e-mail) to whomever you want after the rapture has taken place, and you and I have been taken to heaven.

Here's a screen grab of an exerpt from what the standard letter states

Well thank... God. I mean, really. How else would my agnostic neighbor know to feed Mr. Puffkins once I've entered the pearly gates? This will also save the police enforcement's precious time rather than needessly searching for my body inside a garbage bag at the landfill or lying in the pine barrens off of exit 67. Oh, and who's got the last laugh now to those who wrote me off as crazy for not shaving or showering, rambling loudly to anyone who passed and holding up my "The End is Near" sign. Hope you like the steamy climate where you're going!
Shun the non-believer. Shuuuuuuuuun.

.... I must have been on vacation that day

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Birth day.

Welcome to We Need More Ham, our brand spanking new site where you'll find crude humor gathered from around the internet, insightful ramblings and reviews on music, art and movies (including a special Thriller Thursday horror piece each week) and general senseless knowledge that'll put a smile on your face and maybe even a tingly feeling in your pants. So prepared to be offended, enlightened and addicted here at the only site where spam is not only good, but godddamn delicious.