Monday, November 30, 2009

Softcore Vampirnography: What I learned from "New Moon," the second installment of Twilight

My boss and I did a Twitter review of Twilight New Moon. This is my original draft before it was twitterified. I was also thinking of a list of alternate titles but got stuck in the rut of such detritus as Harry Potter, On Sex and Jerking It to This Movie Is Illegal But I Was Like Whatever. Enjoy.

  • Vampires and Werewolves are, for the most part, good and sexy. The bad ones are still sexy.
  • Twilight is not so much an exploration of young minds on the brink of adulthood as it is of young bodies on the brink of motion.
  • Bad acting can still make a good movie. But not that good.
  • Disposable income has nothing to do with 'good.'
  • HGH is sexy.
  • So is 'roid rage.
  • Fourteen-year-old girls can be the worst people in the universe when they don't shut off their phones during a movie.
  • Kissing is sexy, albeit giggle-worthy. Moaning is gross.
  • Becoming a vampire is a metaphor for losing one's virginity.
  • Shirts are optional.
  • School is also mostly optional.
  • Girls worry about getting old; boys worry about 'filling out;' everyone worries about vampires.
  • Werewolves run; vampires drive European sports cars.
  • If you want to—in the way of Dan Brown—make things seem a little more cultish, set them in Italy.
  • You can look hot and legal even if you were born in the '90s.
  • Even if you, like Taylor Lautner, were born in February 1992.
  • Dakota Fanning now appears to be older than 12, but not yet 15.
  • Vampires and teenage girls follow the same paradigm for vegetarianism (that is, not in a strict or reliable sense).
  • Hot girls like bad guys as long as they're not the bad guys.
  • Motorcycles are dangerous.
  • Driving European sports cars fast and recklessly is not.
  • Vaguely subversive subject matter is totally desirable so long as it's totally not that subversive.
  • It's not weird for a 23-year-old to play a 17-year-old nor a 108-year-old.
  • Nor is it weird to fall in love with one.
  • True love dies hard, no matter your age.
  • Age matters when it comes to your enjoyment of the movie.
  • There are way worse movies.
  • The same goes for Twilight's characters as the movie itself: The bad ones are still sexy.

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