Softcore Vampirnography: What I learned from "New Moon," the second installment of Twilight

My boss and I did a Twitter review of Twilight New Moon. This is my original draft before it was twitterified. I was also thinking of a list of alternate titles but got stuck in the rut of such detritus as Harry Potter, On Sex and Jerking It to This Movie Is Illegal But I Was Like Whatever. Enjoy.

• Vampires and Werewolves are, for the most part, good and sexy. The bad ones are still sexy.
• Twilight is not so much an exploration of young minds on the brink of adulthood as it is of young bodies on the brink of motion.
• Bad acting can still make a good movie. But not that good.
• Disposable income has nothing to do with 'good.'
• HGH is sexy.
• So is 'roid rage.
• Fourteen-year-old girls can be the worst people in the universe when they don't shut off their phones during a movie.
• Kissing is sexy, albeit giggle-worthy. Moaning is gross.
• Becoming a vampire is a metaphor for losing one's virginity.
• Shirts are optional.
• School is also mostly optional.
• Girls worry about getting old; boys worry about 'filling out;' everyone worries about vampires.
• Werewolves run; vampires drive European sports cars.
• If you want to—in the way of Dan Brown—make things seem a little more cultish, set them in Italy.
• You can look hot and legal even if you were born in the '90s.
• Even if you, like Taylor Lautner, were born in February 1992.
• Dakota Fanning now appears to be older than 12, but not yet 15.
• Vampires and teenage girls follow the same paradigm for vegetarianism (that is, not in a strict or reliable sense).
• Hot girls like bad guys as long as they're not the bad guys.
• Motorcycles are dangerous.
• Driving European sports cars fast and recklessly is not.
• Vaguely subversive subject matter is totally desirable so long as it's totally not that subversive.
• It's not weird for a 23-year-old to play a 17-year-old nor a 108-year-old.
• Nor is it weird to fall in love with one.
• True love dies hard, no matter your age.
• Age matters when it comes to your enjoyment of the movie.
• There are way worse movies.
• The same goes for Twilight's characters as the movie itself: The bad ones are still sexy.